Ask Calvin’s Dad
By: Widget in Humor
Calvin’s dad (from Bill Watterson’s comic strip Calvin and Hobbes) is the coolest comic character I ever came across. Whenever Calvin asks him question he often makes up outlandish answers. Here is a collection of some quotes from the comic strip.
Astronomy
Q. Why does the sun set?
A. It’s because hot air rises. The sun’s hot in the middle of the day, so it rises high in the sky. In the evening then, it cools down and sets.
Q. Why does it go from east to west?
A. Solar wind.
Q. Why does the sky turn red as the sun sets?
A. That’s all the oxygen in the atmosphere catching fire.
Q. Where does the sun go when it sets?
A. The sun sets in the west. In Arizona actually, near Flagstaff. That’s why the rocks there are so red.
Q. Don’t the people get burned up?
A. No, the sun goes out as it sets. That’s why it’s dark at night.
Q. Doesn’t the sun crush the whole state as it lands?
A. Ha ha, of course not. Hold a quarter up. See, the sun’s just about the same size.
Q. I thought I read that the sun was really big.
A. You can’t believe everything you read, I’m afraid.
Evolution of Technology
Q. How come old photographs are always black and white? Didn’t they have color film back then?
A. Sure they did. In fact, those old photographs are in color. It’s just that the world was black and white then. The world didn’t turn color until sometime in the 1930s, and it was pretty grainy color for a while, too.
Q. But then why are old paintings in color?! If the world was black and white, wouldn’t artists have painted it that way?
A. Not necessarily. A lot of great artists were insane.
Q. But… But how could they have painted in color anyway? Wouldn’t their paints have been shades of gray back then?
A. Of course, but they turned colors like everything else did in the ’30s.
Q. So why didn’t old black and white photos turn color too?
A. Because they were color pictures of black and white, remember?
Theory of Relativity!!
Q. Dad, will you explain the theory of relativity to me? I don’t understand why time goes slower at great speed.
A. It’s because you keep changing time zones. See, if you fly to California, you gain three hours on a five-hour flight, right? So if you go at the speed of light, you gain more time, because it doesn’t take as long to get there. Of course, the theory of relativity only works if you’re going west.
How things work?
Q. Why do my eyes shut when I sneeze?
A. If your lids weren’t closed, the force of the explosion would blow your eyeballs out and stretch the optic nerve, so your eyes would flop around and you’d have to point them with your hands to see anything.
Q. How do bank machines work?
A. Well, let’s say you want 25 dollars. You punch in the amount and behind the machine there’s a guy with a printing press who makes the money and sticks it out this slot.
Q. Sort of like the guy who lives up in our garage and opens the door?
A. Exactly.
Simple Physics
Q. What causes the wind?
A. Trees sneezing.
Q. Why does ice float?
A. Because it’s cold. Ice wants to get warm, so it goes to the top of liquids to be nearer to the sun.
Q. Is that true?
A. Look it up and find out.
Q. I should just look up stuff in the first place.
Secret of omniscience
Q. How come you know so much?
A. It’s all in the book you get when you become a father.
If you know more quotes from the comics add them in comment section. Also add what will be your replies to your six-year old boy .
Source: elise.com
26 May 2008 | 
Comments (52)
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on 30 May 2008 at 9:03 pm 1.Tom said …
When I was young, I asked my dad: Why do birds fly in a V? His answer: Because that way they don’t poop on each other.
Now that I have a degree in Aero Engr, I know it’s because the upwash created by the front birds’ wingtip vortices makes it easier for the following birds to fly.
on 30 May 2008 at 9:08 pm 2.Widget said …
my dad told me that gravity is because of atmospheric pressure
on 31 May 2008 at 12:06 am 3.Shelf elves for everyone said …
? Ask Calvin%u2019s Dad @ Soft Warcraft…
Calvin%u2019s dad (from Bill Watterson%u2019s comic strip Calvin and Hobbes) is the coolest comic character I ever came across. Whenever Calvin asks him question he often makes up outlandish answers. Here is a collection of some quotes from the comic s…
on 31 May 2008 at 12:02 pm 4.Alex said …
Genius!
on 01 Jun 2008 at 11:55 pm 5.Drew said …
http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/2008/05/31/
This is a good one!
on 02 Jun 2008 at 12:21 am 6.Justin Hernandez said …
Thanks for this! And I love your form design! Nice clean and simple!
on 02 Jun 2008 at 12:31 am 7.Kris Verdeyen said …
Q. Dad, how do they know the load limit of that bridge?
A. They drve bigger and bigger trucks over it until it collapses, then they rebuild the bridge.
on 02 Jun 2008 at 12:39 am 8.John Thomas said …
Dad’s are so cool. Be good to your Dad.
JJ
http://www.Ultimate-Anonymity.com
on 02 Jun 2008 at 12:57 am 9.sundaygirl said …
My friend once asked me why all the rain doesn’t fall in one big drop.. I haven’t been able to figure out an answer yet
on 02 Jun 2008 at 2:16 am 10.Kyle said …
Tom, now that you have a degree in aeronautical engineering, you know that the upwash created by the front birds’ wingtip vortices makes it easier for the following birds to fly…..and they don’t poop on each other.
Listen to your father.
on 02 Jun 2008 at 3:03 am 11.mike said …
Don’t forget this one: http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/2008/05/31/
on 02 Jun 2008 at 3:17 am 12.!_isCalvin said …
Q: How do people make babies?
A: Most people just go to Sears, buy the kit, and follow the assembly instructions.
on 02 Jun 2008 at 3:20 am 13.Big Rascal said …
When I was a little rascal, I ask my dad why my bike tires were so hard. (Back in the day, children’s bikes had solid rubber tires, no tubes.)
My dad responded, “Damn’it, get that bike off the grass”!
on 02 Jun 2008 at 3:27 am 14.Kevin said …
Calvin’s Dad, explaining how bridge “load limits” are calculated: “They drive heavier and heavier trucks over the bridge until it falls down. Then they weigh the last truck before it fell down, and rebuild the bridge.”
on 02 Jun 2008 at 4:08 am 15.Margaret said …
When my kids were much younger and asked for gum, I told them “yuck - it tastes just like medicine!”
You can think I’m really mean, but one is 15 and never had a dental filling or cavity and the other is 18 and has only had two cavities. And, in my defense, childrens medicine now tastes like candy!
on 02 Jun 2008 at 5:17 am 16.Sander said …
Calvin’s dad explained once how they know how bridges have these signes saying “10T max” or “20T max” since you can’t really know it on beforehand, can you? He explained they build the bridge, then keep driving over heavier and heavier trucks until the bridge breaks. They weigh the last truck, rebuild the bridge and put up a sign. Voila.
on 02 Jun 2008 at 6:29 am 17.silas brock said …
Reproduction:
Calvin: Dad, how do people make babies?
Dad: Most people just go to Sears, buy the kit, and follow the assembly instructions.
Calvin: I came from Sears???!!!
Dad: No, you were a blue light special at K Mart. Almost as good, and a lot cheaper.
Calvin: AAUUGHHH
Mom: Dear, what are you telling Calvin now?
on 02 Jun 2008 at 6:56 am 18.Patrick said …
Calvin: How do carburetors work?
Dad: I can’t tell you, it’s a secret.
Calvin: No, it’s not! You just don’t know!
on 02 Jun 2008 at 7:12 am 19.Jabbzz said …
Now that my brother have two children, I have the pleasure to make my own stories. For an example i tricked my nephew that the moon is eaten by aliens and then after 14 days restored by Santa.
on 02 Jun 2008 at 7:16 am 20.Gordon Starevski said …
Calvin: Dad, how do they know the how big a truck can pass on a particular bridge?
Dad: They have bigger and bigger trucks pass on the bridge. When it finally collapses, they weigh the truck and rebuild the bridge…
on 02 Jun 2008 at 8:07 am 21.Chronnus said …
Bits & Pieces: Penny Arcades…
…
on 02 Jun 2008 at 8:32 am 22.links for 2008-06-02 | Shawn's Thoughts said …
[...] » Ask Calvin’s Dad @ Soft Warcraft (tags: via:mento.info) [...]
on 02 Jun 2008 at 8:46 am 23.links for 2008-06-02 « Shawn’s Link Blog said …
[...] » Ask Calvin’s Dad @ Soft Warcraft (tags: via:mento.info) [...]
on 02 Jun 2008 at 9:37 am 24.Widget said …
Calvin: Dad, how do soldiers killing each other solve the world’s problem?
Calvin: I think grown-up just ACT like they know what they are doing
on 02 Jun 2008 at 1:00 pm 25.Morgan said …
Actually, my experiences as a child and as an adult had these kinds of answers and explanations coming from Uncles, not Dads. Uncles are the closest thing to kids that the grown-up world provides.
I’ve always liked convincing nephews and nieces (and other children left in my care by unsuspecting friends) that their tripping and casual clumsiness is caused by their parents not paying their gravity bill.
on 02 Jun 2008 at 3:25 pm 26.E said …
Since my son was 4, I have been telling my son that Milk comes from the Milky Way - the big shiny area of stars in the sky. Stars from the Milky Way crash into the earth as shooting stars. The ones that land in farmers fields are cared for by farmers. When the milk plants grow the farmers pluck the ripe cartons off the stalks and ship them to the stores.
He knows better, somehow. The only real thing growing from my explanation is his wild imagination, I hope.
on 02 Jun 2008 at 5:49 pm 27.Bandy said …
Yep there always has to be the one crazy uncle who will give crazy but convincing answers to almost anything.
As a kid i once told my uncle that i had figured out that superman could fly because of his belt and that i would love to get my hands on one. My uncle told me about a factory somewhere where they made these belts. Needless to say, for the next 5 years or so every time we drove by the location he had told me, i would hawkishly look out for that factory.
Cracks me up to this day.
on 02 Jun 2008 at 7:47 pm 28.osp70 said …
Calvin: Dad, why is the sky blue?
Dad: Blue paint is cheaper.
on 02 Jun 2008 at 11:15 pm 29.Someone said …
Heh, my father was an avid non-fiction reader, mechanic, and engineer.
I asked why the sky turns red at dusk, I got a 45 minute explanation of red shit…
on 02 Jun 2008 at 11:17 pm 30.Someone said …
oops shift, sorry if “foul” words aren’t preffered here
on 03 Jun 2008 at 5:19 am 31.posthaste said …
niccce.
sucka my wang this WAS AWESOME!
on 03 Jun 2008 at 7:02 pm 32.meneame.net said …
Preguntale al padre de Calvin [humor]…
Recuerdan los comics de Calvin y su amigo el trigre Hobbs? Bueno, pues en este post, el autor ha hecho una recopilacion de algunas de las mejores respuestas a preguntas como: Como funcionan los cajeros automaticos? Porque el cielo se vuelve rojo cuando…
on 03 Jun 2008 at 10:47 pm 33.always home and uncool said …
Classic. As the father of a boy name Calvin, I have much to live up to. But I knew what I was in for when I named the little creep.
on 03 Jun 2008 at 10:48 pm 34.rickyboy said …
i was always puzzled as a child as to why the car blinkers would turn off “automatically” after completing a turn. I asked my father…his response? One word: gravity.
on 04 Jun 2008 at 3:50 am 35.I said …
These are so great, remind me of my dad.
on 04 Jun 2008 at 11:51 am 36.Matt said …
I love this one:
Calvin’s Dad: This year, I thought we’d just keep the tree in the garage.
Calvin: In the GARAGE?!
Calvin’s Dad: Sure. You can go out and look at it whenever you want, and it saves all the trouble of decorating it.
Calvin: We’re not going to DECORATE it?!
Calvin’s Dad: Why bother? We just take it all down in two weeks. On Christmas Day, if you get a present…
Calvin: IF I get A present?!
Calvin’s Dad: …you can take it out to the garage to open, and pretend the tree has lots of lights and…
Calvin: MOM!
Calvin’s Mom: I know somebody who’s going to get a lot of coal in his stocking, buster.
Calvin’s Dad: The season gets less jolly every year.
on 04 Jun 2008 at 2:59 pm 37.Anna said …
When I was a kid i asked my dad what the water tower was, as in i pointed at it and asked ‘what’s that?’. My dad told me it was where the people in the town kept all their clothes. He also told me he was a 100 years old, and then i got furious at my mom when she tried to tell me he wasn’t. What is it with dad’s and making up stuff??
on 04 Jun 2008 at 5:00 pm 38.kubbur said …
my dad told me that he was the strongest man in the world, and he prooved it to me once, i lost my batteries down under some big stuff and he lifted it, what i didnt see is that there where 3 other man’s lifting it at the other side
on 04 Jun 2008 at 10:45 pm 39.Magnús Gunnarsson said …
When my kids were much younger and asked for gum, I told them “yuck - it tastes just like medicine!”
You can think I’m really mean, but one is 15 and never had a dental filling or cavity and the other is 18 and has only had two cavities. And, in my defense, childrens medicine now tastes like candy!
I said the exactly same thing the first time i taisted rootbeer, very very strange
on 04 Jun 2008 at 10:51 pm 40.Magnus Gunnarsson said …
When my kids were much younger and asked for gum, I told them “yuck - it tastes just like medicine!”
You can think I’m really mean, but one is 15 and never had a dental filling or cavity and the other is 18 and has only had two cavities. And, in my defense, childrens medicine now tastes like candy!
“yuck - it tastes just like medicine!” I said the exactly same thing the first time I tasted rootbeer.
on 05 Jun 2008 at 8:07 am 41.Boob Biter said …
Brilliant! I Love it.
on 07 Jun 2008 at 9:51 am 42.Ben said …
this is absolute crap u are all stupid
on 07 Jun 2008 at 4:54 pm 43.Ally said …
When I was 16 and my younger sister was 9, we told our baby sister (5) that the way women get breasts is that a stork comes back when you’re old enough and brings implants. Of course he can’t leave them when he drops you off, so he makes a delivery later. She figured it out eventually
on 09 Jun 2008 at 11:27 am 44.Viona said …
We have a coffee creamer here called “Cremora”… our grade-school teacher once told us that when people die, they get sent to the Crematorium where they are cremated to ash. The ash is the swept up and bottled, and then they ship it to stores to be sold as “Cremora”.
I was horrified, as my parents loved the stuff
on 09 Jun 2008 at 6:34 pm 45.kim said …
My husband told his daughter a lot of crazy stories when she was little. There was one in particular about Barney the Dinosaur:
Daughter: I want a barney toy!
Husband: Barney eats children
D: no he doesnt!
H: yes he does. Why do you think there are always new children on the show and you never see the old ones again?
D: Barney loves children!
H: yes, to eat! You see how he hugs them? he’s testing to see how plump and juicy they are!
D:(after thinking for a bit) I want a barney toy!
Another friend joked that one day if he ever had a kid, he’d buy a twin stroller for the kid and tell it “you used to have a twin, but your brother was a _bad boy_! (insert evil laughter)”
on 09 Jun 2008 at 6:48 pm 46.Dame said …
When my son was little, I convinced him that the filling of a Creme egg was bird poo - I had years of uninterrupted Easter egg eating (his eggs were from grandma - & I told him all Easter eggs were creme eggs)
Why oh why do they have to grow up…
on 09 Jun 2008 at 8:10 pm 47.terry wagar said …
clackamas walmart in portland oregon frames people as pedo’s so they can murder them and get away with it, they are hideing a man named eric carlson, he worked there for over a year around mid 2007 and mid 2008, he died his hair black and got a new identity from his friends in authority and now goes by the name gashel, last name unknown by me.
on 11 Jun 2008 at 1:21 am 48.derek said …
I have a two good friends with fathers like this…
Jeremy’s dad told him he couldn’t be an astronaut because his head was too big. They only make helmets in one size, and his head was too big. When I was in the Navy with him, he was talking with some friends about the astronautics program in the Navy. He sized up his friends’ heads, and said, “You can’t be an astronaut. Your… (silence)” His friend asked what he said, and Jeremy told him (with a dazed look on his face), “My father… LIED to me…”
hahahahaha
Another friend, Mike, had a father who brought him on a flight out of LAX. When Mike got on the tram, he noticed that it was fully automated - i.e., no driver. He was sort of scared until his dad said, “Of course there’s a driver. He’s sitting in the front.”
Mike: “But there’s nowhere for him to get in and out.”
Dad: “Of course there is. He stays in there all day. Toilet, kitchen, fan. Everything is in there. He watches the track through a camera, and drives. See? There’s nothing to worry about. Now get on the tram.”
Several years later, Mike was getting on the tram. His friend mentioned that it was amazing that the whole thing was automated. Mike laughed and said, “There’s a little… (long pause) … bit of … magic… in that, huh?”
on 13 Jun 2008 at 8:51 am 49.Bransby said …
When my nephew was four I told him that to get goat’s cheese you have to squeeze a goat really hard until the cheese comes out of its ears. He looked at me strangely for a couple of minutes then proceeded to tell me exactly how got’s cheese is really made. Sometimes it backfires.
on 21 Jun 2008 at 4:56 am 50.Bill said …
I know it’s hard, but please leave the material inside the books.
on 05 Jul 2008 at 9:29 pm 51.Anonymous said …
I once spent two hours on a car ride convincing my little sister that my best friend was a unicorn in disguise and that I was half unicorn (we are only half sisters) and so she couldn’t eat the candy we were eating because if you weren’t a unicorn it would make you explode into a million bright colorful pieces. She still wanted the candy.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 8:04 pm 52.Blake said …
Dads and uncles aren’t the only ones to get in on this action. When I was little my older brother told me that brown cows gave chocolate milk. To a 5 year old this is logical however I think I made it to about 10 before putting enough thought into the matter to realize how ridiculous it was. And how may you ask did that happen…I told my younger brother the same thing and he asked me where strawberry milk comes from.